Making Order out of Chaos

I am an orderly person. I like things to be where I put them, I don't like taking massive risks (or if I do, I analyze them for a longlonglong time), and I am, in general, fairly organized.

There is nothing orderly with my life right now. My bedroom is in a state of despair as my carpet tries desperately to dry out against the humidity. The carpet has been pulled up and a large carpet fan and dehumidifier have been put to use (and I think it's working!!). My bed is pushed over so I have to climb over it to get in my bathroom. My closet and living room are equal messes, of clothes and of books. I have Italian translation notes everywhere. Much, much more importantly, I am missing my family so very much, although I was lucky enough to go be with them two weeks ago while we grieved for my gram, and continue to grieve together, via phone and card and email. I am hot and grumpy and behind in everything and I just want to go home. Now.

This might sound a tad melodramatic, but I'm sure you've all had those days or moments when it feels like everything is pressing on your chest, stress and sadness and loss and creeping panic, and it hurts to breathe and you don't really know what to do. Which happened this afternoon. I sat on the couch for awhile, in my apartment which sounds like an airplane hanger thanks to the fans, before my body came up with the answer: go to sleep. So I did. And an hour later, when I got up, things seemed ever so slightly better. And after cooking my meals for the next few days and eating a big salad with black beans and rice, things started to look even better--chopping eggs, apparently, is therapeutic.

Dealing with chaos, at least for me, is never something I have to do alone. My friends, both near and far, have made this April something that I could deal with, even when I didn't know how I would. So have my family. Even my professors have been genuinely kind, and willing to push back deadlines and work around my absence. I learned how to make Ukranian Easter Eggs yesterday, and had movie and wine nights with friends, and have been getting an influx of mail which is making everything so much better. I'm not surprised by any of this, as I know how wonderful the people in my life are. And that when this chaos has abated, I will have made it, I will have (probably) passed, and I will be ok. And with that in mind, I am going to go make some egg salad.